Struggling in relationships?

“I struggle being in a romantic relationship. It is not because I don’t want intimacy or love, It is mostly because even if I want to be loved, I cannot trust others to love me enough. I am scared that once I open up to them, they will leave me eventually. I don’t like being rejected, no one likes that. I tend to avoid rejection. As soon as things start getting serious or there is time for me to commit, I get scared and I back out. Don’t be mistaken, I still like emotional closeness. But I also tend to avoid it, out of fear. Fear that once I trust someone they might leave me. Fear of trusting someone. Fear that if this becomes too serious and we break up, I will never be the same. It is not just with romantic relationships though, all of my relationships follow somewhat similar patterns. I find it difficult to form secure, trusting bonds with others. I feel that once others get to know the real me, somehow I won’t be enough and they will leave to find someone better.”

This narrative can be described as someone who is having an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

Attachment styles talk about the patterns that emerge in relationships like the kind of people you are attracted to, the relationship problems that repeat themselves.

The people having anxious-avoidant attachment style are scared of intimacy, even though they want to form deeper bonds with others. They usually back out when things get too serious or there is a need for commitment. They do so not because they do not want to be loved, but mostly because they are scared that the partner will eventually leave them.

The reason for having this particular attachment style might be the fact that the person has low levels of self confidence and is often self critical. Even the earlier experiences by caregivers can cause an individual to develop this attachment style. Sometimes, this attachment style is also linked with certain psychological disorders.

People with this attachment style avoid committed relationships altogether. They mostly find themselves in a situationship. They also tend to have multiple sexual partners. They avoid their partners once things start getting serious because of fear of abandonment. One reason could be that they have low self esteem and they also do not trust others well enough to open up to them.

If you or anyone you know shows signs of this kind of attachment style, you can ask them to consult a therapist. Going to the therapist can help them deal with the unresolved issues from the past and work on developing a healthy and secure attachment style. This would be beneficial for them in the long run as they would be able to form healthy relationships.